'Wales is insane!'

Even though Henry and I are mightily enjoying BBC4’s Kinks night, I have had something rather taking the zing out of my gin and tonic since yestreen. Namely, ‘Torchwood: Miracle Day’ episode one, which aired on BBC1 Thursday at 9pm.

Now, I am all for a harmless romp through time, a la Doctor Who; and Torchwood, when it started, was Doctor Who with a lot more harmless homosexuality. However, in the last series of Torchwood they killed off all my favourite characters. When they announced the coming of the next instalment, I was surprised. The Welsh woman character could hardly hold up her end of the bargain when Captain Jack was off gallivanting with the local male-model community.

I think my main problems with the new series, apart from the blatant Kentucky-isation of it, are as follows:

1)   The dialogue is absolutely appalling. Honestly, I could write something better with my other end, with a piece of charcoal and a tatty bit of loo paper. Worse, the actors overacted to compensate. I can’t help but imagine the director being absent from filming due to an urgent need to attend Delia Smith’s yachting holiday with the Pope, where some very kinky things happen, such as sage-and-onion Paxo stuffing being served with pork.

2)   A rather high-up CIA officer in this series, played by Mekhi Phifer, apparently does not know that Wales is not an island, even though I would bloody well hope he could draw a map of the world by memory and free-hand no less. Just because you had to cross a bridge to get to Cardiff does not mean that the rest of Wales is not attached to England in a rather serious way. Whilst we’re on the subject of bridges, why is he completely surprised that there is a toll bridge in existence? There are far more than a few toll bridges within America. Though I’d rather not talk about it, I am not a complete stranger to the other side of the ‘A’ in NATO. Also, while we’re on the subject of the Severn Bridge, why on earth is this character even driving along it? A) If heading from London Heathrow, is this really the best way to go? Into the South West and then up, instead of straight across and down a bit? B) If the British armed forces were co-operating with the CIA to the extent that they would greet Mr. Phifer at the airport and hand him a handgun gratis as he arrives, then why did they not give him a lift? Say, in a helicopter? I doubt very much they would say, ‘Afternoon, we realise the fate of the world hangs in the balance and time is of the essence, so here’s a lovely Heckler & Koch 9mm semi-automatic for you, and over there at the end of that rather lengthy queue is a friendly Avis Rent-a-Car man. Have a nice day.’

3)   I wonder if any of my ‘legal eagle’ friends can help here. The Mekhi Phifer character then tracks down the remaining members of Torchwood and proceeds to have them extradited…from their own country…to his…even though only one of them had ever been to America…committing no crime that I am aware of. Unless of course Jack was in a Southern state when being his usual ‘vibrant’ self. I don’t think this is an ‘extradition’ at all, let alone legal, CIA code numbers notwithstanding.

4)   I am also slightly disturbed by at least two hardened and trained secret agents just crying at the drop of hat. I don’t even cry when Henry has walked off the battlements. It’s common and I’ve been trained against it. Well, he would insist on a wee midnight stroll.

5)   Captain Jack. Ah, you were once so mysterious and deep. However, now you are reduced to a seemingly unending series of grand entrances that do not connect up logically. You also spent the whole episode drugging people and complaining that you’ve managed to hurt yourself. Just put an Elastoplast on it, you daft man.

6)   What NHS hospital could afford, and moreover be willing, to buy the nurses’ station a ‘Mac’?

7)   Last, but by no means least, is the general gaping plot hole of the entire premise. The ticking plot-time-bomb is that no-one can die (even with the severing of the head from the body) and that this will inevitably lead to world famine and a ‘dog-eat-dog’ environment over a loaf of bread. Yet, surely, if no-one can die, then ipso facto no-one can die of starvation.  Hello?

As some of you know, before my husband inherited Airnefitchie and the baronetcy, he used to be something quite high up in the television business, and I assumed he would have an even longer list of ‘notes’ than I did.  No, he replied, just one.  One?  ‘Yes,’ Henry said. ‘It would be, “I look forward to seeing this when it’s finished”.’

Russell T. Davies, if that is your real middle initial, this series premiere could have been so much more. When you write the next series, get in touch. We have much to talk about.