Grand Canyon, My Foot!

I finally saw the film Thelma and Louise at the weekend.  Twenty-odd years late, but the Airneford Odeom does eventually get the blockbusters.

The fresh lick of paint is even later.

Rather than tell you everything that's wrong with the film, I thought I’d make some helpful suggestions for improvement.

Alternative Beginnings:

The SENSIBLE Beginning:

Drive straight to your destination and don't stop at a pub for drinks.  Buy some on the way, and enjoy your hangover on the first morning of your lovely weekend by having a bacon sandwich, not by fleeing the police.  (You’ll have noted with pleasure the absence of an obvious ‘police’/’pig’ joke here.)  Admittedly, this makes for a very short film, so throw in some lesbian experimentation with your friend, and the audience will come flocking in.

Good, clean, family fun.

The MILDLY SENSIBLE Beginning:

Very well; you have insisted on going to a dive bar.  Fine.  Have your drinks (non-alcoholic if you're the designated driver, of course) and eat your dinner – perhaps avoiding the seafood.  Don't engage with anyone but the waitress.  Then pay your bill, leave a nice tip, drive to your destination, and enjoy your hangover on the first morning of your lovely weekend away by having a bacon sandwich, not by fleeing the police.  No doubt you ignored my advice and had the seafood, so cue hilarious female 'frat-boy' comedy.  You trailblazer, you.

The EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY CRAZY BUT STILL WON'T END UP DRIVING INTO THE GRAND CANYON Beginning:

Right.  So you’ve insisted on going to a dive bar and engaging with the local folk.  We had discussed this, but you're a sheltered lass, who hasn't really experienced life and you want to grab it by the testicles.  And indeed, you have actually grabbed that man’s testicles as you line-dance your evening away.  Ah, and now he's trying to rape you.  But it's perfectly all right, because your friend has turned up with a gun.  He insults both of you, and your friend shoots him.  But where does she shoot him?  Straight through the heart?  Bad idea.  Try the knee instead.  Or if you're a particularly angry female, try the penis.  Hang about and ring the police yourself.  They will probably believe you, given the state of your clothing and the fact that your friend is pretty shaken up.  The waitress will back you up on what a slime-ball the rapist was.  No Grand Canyons need apply.

I'm sorry.  You're surplus to requirement.

Alternative Middles:

So you’ve ignored all my advice regarding how to begin your weekend away.  You are now fleeing the scene of the unnecessary and completely avoidable crime.

The SENSIBLE Middle:

After a day of reflection upon what happened, you turn yourselves in.  The police have stated that you have not been charged with murder and they understand what happened.  They're on your side.  Of course, they might not be trustworthy, but it's Harvey Keitel and he sounds very sympathetic.  You will probably, at worst, be done for accidental manslaughter, and into the bargain get a free 1,000-day holiday from work, rent, grocers’ bills, and your smarmy husband.

The MILDLY SENSIBLE Middle:

So, you don't trust Harvey Keitel at all.  Just to be safe, why don't you drive to Mexico and hole up there.  Get your statement to the relevant officials and see what happens.  At no point do you rob convenience stores, trust Brad Pitt just because of the way his mouth gapes open like a goldfish…

The very picture of untrustworthiness.

…entrust your life’s savings to your flaky friend, or imprison a police officer in the boot of his own car.  Do say you'll marry your boyfriend – you could all live happily in Mexico, drinking tequila and laughing about the time you shot a man in the penis in the car park of the worst seafood restaurant in Arkansas.  You could even write a hit ‘country-and-western’ song about it.

It worked for some people.

The EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY CRAZY BUT STILL WON'T END UP DRIVING INTO THE GRAND CANYON Middle:

So, you've robbed a convenience store, trusted Brad Pitt, lost your life’s savings, and imprisoned a police officer in the boot of his own car.  You need to get to Mexico tout de suite, because the police are getting more suspicious – and even they aren’t trusting Harvey Keitel anymore.  May I suggest you drive through Texas?  Because not driving through Texas to get to Mexico is like trying to get to Cornwall without going through Devon: utterly stupid, as Lady Beatrice and I once found out, to our cost.  Yes, you had a bad experience there, but you are now, apparently, a bona fide bad-ass with nothing to lose.  Go through bloody Texas.  Grand Canyon indeed.

Bona fide.

Alternative Endings:

So, you haven't turned yourself in or driven through Texas.  This scenario is getting ever more ridiculous.  We can but try to salvage it.

The SENSIBLE Ending:

...Would have been your lesbian misadventures in the cabin by the lake, had you followed all the SENSIBLE advice.  At this point, you are no longer entitled to a sensible ending.  

The MILDLY SENSIBLE Ending:

Turn yourself in!  Harvey Keitel is still on your side.  Wave a hanky and be done with it.  At this point, you'll have a longer term of imprisonment, but you won't be driving off the edge of the Grand Canyon after horribly overreacting over an obvious case of self-defence.

The EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY CRAZY BUT STILL WON'T END UP DRIVING INTO THE GRAND CANYON Ending:

Have a shootout with the heavily-armed officers behind you; build a bridge over the Canyon using their cars and corpses as your bridge.  Save Harvey Keitel though.  He may now have absolutely no sympathy for you, but he may enjoy Mexico when you finally get there, having kept him as a hostage to guarantee your safe passage… through TEXAS.

I have this nagging feeling we've forgotten something…